Screaming into the phone (and the void)
Short story Sunday #4
Welcome to Short Story Sunday! This is an extension of The Ryry Rundown and you can expect one thing: a short story and an explainer as to what inspired it. I write on a variety of themes and ideas, so I don’t think you’ll ever get bored. I always love getting your thoughts and feedback on my work, so please do comment; I read everything people send me. It’s great to have you here and I hope your upcoming week is a great one!
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Now let’s get into it…
Today’s Story: Salvation is one call away
We were told never to use the space phone – which looks like a normal landline – unless we ABSOLUTELY needed to call. According to the Intergalactic Space Federation, the cost of a single call would bankrupt Earth in mere seconds, so we should be grateful they’re even letting us have access. But now, there’s an asteroid will hit in exactly one month and nothing else has worked. The news outlets admit we have a one-in-a-million chance of surviving. The greatest minds at work are flailing around like lab rats trying to find a solution and we are a planet on the verge of extinction. That’s OK though – the Intergalactic Extinction Hotline has got us!
Except no one is picking up. There’s weird noises coming out of the phone along with someone talking in an unknown language in between. A group of scientists were fascinated by the alien hold music and are at work translating, hoping the words ARE the thing that will save us.
We looked in the manual the Federation gave us – What to Expect When You’re Expecting Extinction – and found nothing about an asteroid strike. There were more improbable things. Like what to do when your planet ends up in a different timeline or gets sucked into a black hole. There’s even a whole cheat sheet of common phrases and words in Latin. Yet somehow they didn’t write anything down about what to do when an asteroid is hurdling toward your planet.
So we called the 1-800 number on the back of the manual, and no one is picking up.
They always seemed to treat us like we’re kind of dumb, so maybe that’s why no one’s answering? The Federation said we were the last planet to join and were even surprised to learn we still don’t have an oscillating planetary anodizer in the year 20XX.
But we swallowed our pride and gave a call, and now the phone is saying things to us that we don’t understand.
That’s OK though, there’s a breakthrough! the scientists have figured out what the voice on the phone is saying:
“Thank you for holding; your call is important to us! You are number one trillion and three-point-four. Our operators are working as quickly as possible and will be happy to assist you. Please be sure to have your planetary insurance card ready.”
We’re screwed, aren’t we?
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The asteroid came fast and hard, decimating half the planet immediately. The rest of humanity slowly died, either due to starvation or the frozen temperatures that came after the debris flew into the atmosphere, blocked the sun, and caused a second coming of the ice age.
And somewhere on Earth, a phone that has been on hold for weeks finally gets an answer. Someone on the other end says hello in their own language a few times. They sigh, remarking to their coworker how it’s YET ANOTHER prank phone caller, and hang up the line.
Today’s Inspiration: Being stuck on hold
I was on the phone getting 401K stuff sorted out recently and it took an HOUR! I hate being on the phone in the first place, but it was made even worse by having to be stuck forever doing nothing other than listening to crappy hold music, answering some questions, then being stuck on hold for another period of time.
I’ve been into a lot of spacey things like Parliament/Funkadelic, so it made me think about what being on hold would look like on a planetary scale. As for the humor, I’m a big fan of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and love the way Douglas Adams’ founds humor by making things as fantastical as space feel mundane.
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Tara Y
“What to expect when you’re expecting extinction” lol 😂